January 2011: Sex, Dating and Relationships

Do you desire lifelong love?  What are you doing this weekend to move you closer to that goal? Is marriage a part of it?

The headlines tell us that, in spite of all the bridezillas on cable, there isn’t as much marrying as there used to be, but there is a lot of sex.  And most college campuses have a thriving hookup scene without much talk of marriage.  Ok, none.  Also, instead of marrying, more couples are moving in together to split the rent and share a bed.

If you’re like the majority of 20-somethings, you expect to marry someday. But unlike previous generations of Americans, you’re probably not planning a trip to the altar soon after graduation.  In fact, you probably have all kinds of plans for grad school, travel, and landing the perfect job, all before marriage.  Oh, you have a marriage plan.  It looks something like this: at maybe age 28—25 at the earliest—Ms. Perfect 10 or Mr. Wonderful awaits you at the end of a flower-strewn aisle.  And you’re hopeful that the marriage will last forever because you’ve never felt this way before about anyone.

You may be picturing something a little different, but the point is that lifelong love and marriage are a ways off, but sex is not.

Perhaps you see nothing wrong with seeking sexual pleasure now and commitment later.  But before you dismiss the discussion, we challenge you to consider the different perspectives presented this month.  In return, we welcome your thoughts and opinions.

We hope you’ll step back and think about your plans for lifelong love, and the steps you’re taking to get there.  Believe it or not, decisions you’re making about sex right now affect your chances for lifelong love and marriage.

Did You Know

Facts about Hooking Up:

We borrowed these quotes from Donna Freitas, an expert on the topic of hooking up and author of Sex and the Soul. (Read the full interview.)

• “The perception is that everybody hooks up all the time and loves it, but in reality people are hooking up far less than they think others are. A lot of students had one hook-up experience, but that certainly is not rampant.”
• “If most students don’t like hook-up culture, what do they want from relationships?  Almost everyone—regardless of gender or sexual orientation—told me they want old-fashioned romance.”
• “In all my classes now, I tell my students, “Guess what? The vast majority of you think that everybody loves hook-up culture, but the reality is that the vast majority of you hate it. And you would rather just ask each other out and have lovely dinners and walks on the beach. You all feel the same way, so why don’t you just ask each other out?”

Facts about Cohabitation

It’s a fairly natural step from the hookup culture prevalent on campus, to cohabitating post-college.  The stats below show why that is not the best move if you’re ultimate goal is to someday marry.  Adapted from Jenny Tyree’s article, “Cohabitation Facts: Why Shouldn’t We Move In Together?”

If you desire to eventually marry, you should know that living together before marriage increases the risk of breaking up after marriage.

• A 1997 study concluded that “cohabitation increased young people’s acceptance of divorce, but other independent living experiences did not.”
• After five to seven years, 39% of all cohabiting couples have broken up, 40% have married (but the marriage may already be over), and only 21% are still cohabiting.
• No positive contribution of cohabitation to marriage has ever been found.

Cohabitation involves physical risk for women and children.

• Studies find that women in cohabiting relationships experience violent aggression at two to five times the rate that married women do.  In fact, a group of researchers concluded that marriage inhibits violence.
• Cohabiting parents break up at much higher rates than married parents.
• The majority of evidence suggests that the most unsafe of all family environments for children is that in which the mother is living with someone other than the child’s biological father.  This is the environment for the majority of children in cohabiting couple households.

Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness and well-being than married couples.

• Annual rates of depression among cohabiting couples are more than three times what they are among married couples.
• Especially when it is not preceded by cohabitation, marriage is associated with a significant and substantive reduction in depression.

Dig Deeper

Take a look at some of these articles about sex and hooking up – we think they provide a helpful look at this issue.

Sex: Should women be more like men?

Hook-up or Shut up

Video interview of Donna Freitas, author of Sex and the Soul about hooking up

What Men Will Do for Love, Not Sex

“This Just In”: Sex without commitment=regret

Mind of Man: Whatever you do, don’t cohabitate

Surprise: No upside to no commitment

Does Cohabitation Protect Against Divorce?

USA Today Misleads: Cohabitation Still a Bad Bet

Americans in love with Marriage, but Challenged to Marry Well

Cashing In

Get Involved

Interested in standing up for a biblical view of sex and relationships?  Not sure where to start?

The Love and Fidelity Network has some excellent ways to educate, train and equip yourself and your friends ways to uphold the sexual integrity, the institute of marriage and family.

Check out their ideas on how to get started, communicate effectively, organize a group, and more.

And if you’re interested in how to live out a Biblical view of sexuality, relationships, and marriage, check out Focus on the Family’s Boundless website.